Dear Sky,

That sky. I find it daunting; beautiful, yet daunting. It is limitless and yet it is always there, light or dark, it is there.

In these winter mornings the sky is often orange and makes me feel warm and tingling inside. When it gets closer to the afternoon, it clears and become too bright for me to look up. It is blue, I know it is blue and yet it doesn't feel blue, for me instead it feels red. The red that surges through you when you get too anger or full of energy. And coming the evening where the intensity dies down and the sky once again become your friend. All that changes when night approaches and the sky decides to go through it's Emo phase.

I relate dear sky, I relate.
Thank you.

Change in emotion.

In the course of our life there are some friends who we decide not to be with, the reasons vary and sometimes don’t even have a reason. When this happens, the love you hold for the person become hatred but they still hold a place in your heart.

If the person is smart, they know. They know that they have equal importance in your life even though those feelings are negative. They are aware that they come up in conversation as much, if not more. They know that you look at whatever they are doing.

It cannot be easy to completely forget them or the hatred you hold towards them. So what do you do to forget them? Replace their presence? Concentrate your hatred on someone more worth your time? Give up feeling angry? 

Simple Pleasures.

Everyone has those small things, the tiniest of perfections, the simplest of gestures which give so much joy. I am probably not the only one who experiences it. I know for a fact, everyone has a simple pleasure that makes them break into a smile.

Mine is when people unexpectedly come a hug me. Like every normal person, I like to feel special.

But I also have the slightest things that make me so angry, and sets my mood off. Like when people shoot you down when you try to do something outside your comfort zone. It is not a weird thing, but I shouldn't affect me as much as it does.

Get to know me.

These are some questions I found on  tumblr, and I thought why not answer them. I mean I do need some new content.

  First thing you wash in the shower?
I  haven’t really noticed but probably my face.

Are you more of a coffee or alcohol drinker? 
Niether. Too young for alcohol and too much of a sweet tooth for coffee, but I do drink tea.

Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?
Never kissed anyone.

Do you plan outfits?
Only for special occasions.

How are you feeling RIGHT now?

My exams are just over so I feel like I am in the calm before the storm.

Whats the closest thing to you that's red?
On my book shelf. Silence by Becca Fitzpatrick.

What would you do if you opened your door and saw a dead body?
I would probably have the lamest reaction and basically stare at it until someone tells me to not. But then again it probably depends on whose body is dead.

Tell me about the last dream you remember having?
My last dream was about a week back. It was that I was seeing a Captain Swan scene, in which Killian and Emma were in a church talking about someone’s death. They are characters from ABC’s Once Upon a Time.
Some people say that dreams are your ambitions by your subconscious brain. Well, if that were true, my subconscious basically has no ambition because that is probably what I do awake. Reading fanficition and stuff.

Three of your current feelings?
Scared but I don’t know of what. It is like that feeling in the gut telling you something is wrong but everything seems right.
Free. The pressure of exams has almost lifted of my shoulders.
Happy. For no specific reason. Or maybe because of every possible reason.

What are you craving right now?
Sushi. I always crave sushi.

Turn ons?
When people smell nice.

Turn offs?
When people say they have certain principles but end up not following them.

What comes to mind when I say cabbage?
Garbage.

When was the last time you cried? Why?
The day before my Hindi exam because one of the people I thought was my best friend ended up choosing a no good guy over me.

If you could be a superhero, who would you want to be?
Does Loki count? Or maybe Thor. Between those two.

Did the one person who hurt you most in your life apologize?
No. the company I keep is too stubborn to ever apologize. But doesn’t matter. I have forgiven them.

Do you bite into your ice cream or just lick it?
Who ever bites their ice-cream?! Lick. Like your face.

Favorite movie ever?
Princess Bride.

Do you like yourself?
I love myself because I am the only person I can trust.

Have you ever met a celebrity?
Nope. No one I ever actually respected as a celebrity.

 Could you handle being in the military?
With some excise, yes, probably.

 What are you listening to right now?
Gold Rush by Ed Sheeran.

 How many countries have you visited?
Malaysia, Singapore, Hong Kong, Egypt, England and a few others but those were on a cruise so they don’t really count.

 Are your parents strict?
Not particularly.

Would you go sky diving?
Only if I didn’t have to pay for it on my own.

 Would you go out to eat with George W. Bush?
No.

 Whats on your mind right now?
Wanting a book shelf.

 Is there anything you want to say to someone?
I want to tell a certain someone that I don’t want to be with them anymore because she makes me feel uncomfortable to be who I am.

Have you ever been in a castle?
Sand castle. Yes.

Do you rent movies often?
Nope.

Whats your zodiac sign?
Aquarius.

When was the last time you had sex?
I am fifteen. Never.

Name five facts about yourself.
I like black tea. I talk in the shower instead of singing. I like Shakespeare. I never understand poems. I like to sketch.

Ever had a near death experience? If so, what happened?
Nope.

Do you believe in karma or predestiny?
Not in the exact terms. I believe that if you get to much of good things that eventually equal amount of bad things will happen to even out the scale.

Brown or white eggs?
You only get white eggs here.

Do you own something from Hot Topic?
What is that?

Ever been on a train? 
I like trains.

Ever been in love?
With myself.

If you were paid 1 million dollars to spend the night in a supposed haunted house, would you do it?Yes. I am a greedy person.

If you could trade places with any person living or dead, who would you trade places with?
Jennifer Lawrence.

If you could shorten your life expectancy by 10 years to become more attractive, would you do it?Yes, whoever told you beauty is only skin deep is probably ugly.

Whom do you admire and why?
Hard to say just one. I guess my principal, JK, she is a powerful women.

What was your favorite bedtime story as a child?
No one ever read my read time stories.

You’re walking down the street, you come across a burning building. A woman says her baby is trapped inside, what would you do?
Depends on my mood.

If you could choose the future profession of your son or daughter, would you?
Anything but a murdering druggie.

What was your best experience on drugs or alcohol?
Never had any.

What was your worst experience on drugs or alcohol?
Never had any.

As your walking down the street you find a suitcase full of money sitting next to a parked car, would you take it?
Walk away as though nothing happened.

If you found that a close friend has AIDS, would you still hang out with them?
Yeah. Through thick and thin, right?

In front of you are 10 pistols, 5 of which are loaded. If you survive you’d receive 100 million dollars. Would you be willing to place 1 to your head and pull the trigger?
Yes. Life is about risk taking.

How old were you when you lost your virginity?
Well not 15.

Do you believe in ghosts, werewolves or vampires?
Believe in all.

If you could live forever, would you want to?
No.

Which fictional movie character most resembles who you are?
Anna from Frozen.

If you could go back in time, which time period would you visit?
The Tudor times.

If they were to televise a live execution, would you watch it?
Obviously.

If you could be the president of the USA, would you be willing to do it?
Nope.

If you could choose the sex of your unborn child, would you want to?
Nope.

Would you rather live longer or be wealthy?
Wealthy. I want to make the life I have a good one, no matter how short.

Home Sweet Home

I went to live with my friend a week ago, and I would be lying if I said that it was not fun and that I didn’t enjoy this much since a very long time. And I first thought it was being with a friend that gave me happiness but actually it was the being without my family that gave me the sheer joy that I experienced.

 Now being back, I am sad again. In the beginning I didn’t let the sadness envelope me but is hard to  keep up these walls any longer because sooner or later they are going to crack and I will revert to my old self, the old self that thought she was the most unimportant person in existence and I shall become the person who thought her absence would make no difference. Yes, it is the sad truth but that is always how I looked at myself. You see, I am not pretty; I am not smart; I am not a leader, nor am I a lone wolf; I am not funny and I am the least bit caring. I am, however, blunt, careless, clumsy and lazy.

My friends are pretty much the only anchor I really have to save me from getting lost. People usually say that family is the most underrated thing you have and you won’t realize how important they are to you until they are gone. Well, my family is not the most supportive nor are they appreciative of anything I do. Let’s go in order shall we.

First, my father. The most tarnished relationship in my life. I hate him. And I think he has started to feel the same for me. He is probably going to send me packing the first chance he gets and he has good reason to because I know for a fact that I don’t treat him the way I am suppose to. But neither does he. In fact he treats me like a burden. And that would be totally alright with me if he treated my brother like that; alas, that isn’t the case, he treats my brother like his equal and me like his servant. I would forgive if he ever changed, but he has such a backward mind that he is probably never going to change his mentality.

Secondly, my mother. She I loved, once long ago. She is a likable person and apparently cared for me when I was a child and she was a mother. But as the years passed by, the tables turned and we changed. I grew up and she didn’t. Instead of growing older, she grew younger. Trying to preserve her youth. Now, she acts like a teenager (not even the smart type of teenager, but those dumbest of the dumb one who spends their days on facebook and post 27 selfies of themselves every minute).

 It hurts me more than anyone to see what see has become. She was my idol growing up and I wanted to be an artist just like her and make the world happier and more vibrant. But then she lost interest in art and began an interest in socializing. It was fun to see her happy among friends at the beginning but what peaks must come down. She stopped giving me or my brother any attention and now the only way I can get to talk to her so if I go up to her and find a topic and even then she doesn’t listen, her head is just inside that little iPhone of hers.

It isn’t just that, but she never wants to appreciate me for what I am, she constantly demines me and tells me I am not good enough and that how much better my friends are than I am. How I will amount to nothing in life and how bad I am. And if I don’t listen at first, it is drilled into my head until I do.

My brother comes right at the end because he is like the evil puppeteer to my parents. I don’t know what he does or how he does it but the moment be says something and makes a statement my parents will automatically agree. It is very annoying.  But I don’t hate him, I actually admire him. He is a born leader and the absolute opposite of what I am. We are as different as The Sun and The Moon. Where he would be The Sun and I would be The Moon-always lurking in his shadows, never good enough to shine when he is around. I would be like the Moon always fleeting, irrelevant and insignificant whereas he would like be The Sun- radiant, loved and important. 

Now I know most who have read this are thinking of it as some sort of rebellious teenage thing, and it might be. I might be going through a phase. But when I am writing this I may think it as the hard and bitter truth but in a year or two it will just become like everything thing- a story. 

Over Thinking

I have been thinking about a lot of things, mostly about how I treat my friends. If you know me, you should know that I can either treat my friends very well or very badly. I am the type of person who likes extremes, but that is not always a good thing because I am getting the chills from more than one friend, and the worst thing is that they aren’t those facebook friends but these are the proper one, who I cherish.

 I have four such friends. And I am having the feeling two out of these four are angry with me. One is Pinky, though I am not sure why, but she has been distant for the past few days, at least compared to the others. The second one is Iris. She, I understand why she would be mad at me. I have been treating her… well I have been mean to her, very mean. And I did try to amend it. Though I didn’t apologize, maybe because I am too proud but I think she is not as angry at me as she was. That is an improvement, isn’t it?

So my plan at starting next week is to make amends and get my friends back, or rather closer because they haven’t really left me or maybe I am just overreacting.  

A Normal Life.

I try to be a strong person most of the time, I don’t try to let trivial things bother me but sometimes things get under my skin and they do rip my heart out. If things happen at home I let it but what happens when you are on the verge of tears in your school? Well here’s what happens, you find out the people who truly care about you or atleast those who have a heart to do something good.
I realized that I am friends with people who don’t deserve friends who don’t care about anything but themselves and don’t appreciate your funny ass jokes. Hate them. I shall call him, for today, Jackass. And since I am not a writer I shall comic it.

So that is how it begins.

So that's what happened today. 

And what I deal with on a daily basis.